I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
