On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You smell like stripper and shame
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
