It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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