Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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