I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
