Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
