Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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