so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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