My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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