Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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