Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
