fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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