mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
