I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
