I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
