If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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