So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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