my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
