Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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