I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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