Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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