yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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