Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
