My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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