It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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