I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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