I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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