The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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