Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
