I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
