no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
