The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i out mim tonsoeep
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
