I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
