get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
