I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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