I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
