white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
