i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
