I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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