I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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