I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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