Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
it's like iHOP with fire
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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