Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
