i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Only a mothe r could love this liver
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
