I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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