his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
