Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
