At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
kristin has been a bad kristin
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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