So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
