My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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