Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
this is an emotional support booty call
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
