I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
