i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
